MID-LIFE & THE DIET

I've seen two shows recently that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be...puh-leeeeeeze! I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60(or maybe even just pushing your luck), you'll probably relate.

Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear end without turning around.

Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and realize that it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless on film.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream "Listen honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those will, too!"

Mid-life brings with it the wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you look at your know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks??"

In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact, the only thing we can still retain is water.

Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally...more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.

Mid-life means that you become more reflective. You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

But, mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important.

We realize that breasts sag, hips expand, and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now for the body you had back then? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all of the wisdom and love we've acquired ...that's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!

I'm not sure if this works or not.

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help women cope with the stress that builds during the day.

BREAKFAST

1 grapefruit

1 slice whole-wheat toast

1 cup skim milk

LUNCH

1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach

1 cup herbal tea

1 Hershey's Kiss

AFTERNOON TEA

The rest of the Hershey Kisses in the bag

1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate-chip topping

DINNER

4 glasses of wine (red or white)

2 loaves garlic bread

1 family size Supreme pizza

3 Snickers bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK

1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

REMEMBER: "Stressed" spelled backward is "desserts."

Send this to four women and you will lose two pounds. Send this to all the women you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10 pounds.

If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately.

(That's why I had to pass this on -- I didn't want to risk it! :)